Do what you don’t normally do. Say what you want to say in a way you may not I initially think.

Pretend English is your second language; and the words that first come to mind cannot be said. Look for another way to say it.
Think about what you say as you are saying it. Notice the intonations.
Say it consciously. Slow down, pronounce differently. All the while always saying what you mean. Always expressing what you intend, just
in a new way.

This is the thought that can turn day-to-day life into the neverending adventure, vacation.

Coming home, denial of where I am is no solution. But if I can harness all that longing for more vacation-like good times everyday while in
my ‘normal’ life, i’ll be able to live the neverending holiday and as a great side-effect everyone around will get to enjoy that spark of freedom and fun too.

(Sent from my iPhone–fyi)

This evening I was in a ‘dime store’ to buy some semi-disposable
leftover containers and noticed the alcohol section:

A display of gallons of Gallo to be precise. Then bottles of better
wine, liquors, liqueurs, cheap and decent qualities.

I didn’t drool. Not that I ever really do at the sight of booze.

But this time the first thought that came to mind wasn’t, ‘hmm maybe I
should buy some to have around when I’m in the mood.’
It was complete aversion to the idea of pouring rotten liquid into my
body. There are worlds of decadence in the consumption of fermented,
rotten, decayed, simpler life forms’ fecal matter: Death. And we
living humans continue to consume large quantities of this substance
that can be seen as the opposite of life. We season our lives with
death. Like seasons keeping the year interesting.

I could go on….ok I will.

Our culture accepts this as an acceptable way to relax after working
all day….but be sure to jack yourself up with some acceptable crack/
caffeine every morning….

Weekend/evening drinking began as fun times. The kids enjoy the dive
bars’ grit. Years go by and soon the divide between you and the old
crusty regulars that gave the place its unique character suddenly
doesn’t exist anymore…you become that regular.

What started as a few drinks with friends, somehow turns to drinks
home alone. Or maybe you are not that weak: You go out. You only drink
with your friends, in your bar, almost every night.

Not me of course. Really. Not me. I’ve teetered on that life style.
Enough to get a taste and to have that image painted. I teetered in so
many areas. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been on the outskirts for so
long have finally started looking around and realizing there are a lot
of others in the same place. Walking the ridges, walking the valleys,
swinging on the pendulums of entertainment but never staying on any
side too long. I guess I’m normal after all.

The coveted contentment, balance, middle ground that so many strive
for by living completely pure and opposite of what was described
above, comes easier and easier as time goes on. There is no need to
work for balance and enlightenment. It comes naturally when you stop,
take a breath, look around, absorb everything around with all your
senses…and die.

Yes folks. I’ll let you in on a little secret. I have an email alarm
remind me to post thoughts a couple times a week. As you can tell I
usually ignore it.

>>February 10, 2009 8:00 PM : post thoughts

So tonight I wrote a lot. I have a lot to say, unfortunately the
subject matter that occupies my mind most right now can’t be written
here.

I want to open up, spill my guts, use this public venue as a means to
cathartically release some of my … inner turmoil…That is kind of
fun saying without any teeny bopper angst.

Part of me would like this site to be solely composed of civilized
thoughts BUT this is, after all, my own personal space. If I can’t
freely write here…where can I write?

There is something therapeutic about writing to another. Have you
noticed lately how your tone changes depending on who the recipient of
your email is? Of course you have. The slack dialect to friends, vs
the polite tone to elder relatives, to the more formal tone in a
business correspondence. Then there is the world of writing to
yourself for yourself in a personal journal, vs a posting like this
one to you; an audience of unknown composition. I guess you are
primarily friends and family, with an occasional random who
accidentally lands here from some sort of Internet Search Engine
Results fluke.

“This isn’t the metaphysical site, about alien rat poo tinctures!?”

So there. To be honest (without saying what’s really reAALLy going on
for me right now), the tone for these posts isn’t really set in stone
yet.
I guess depending on my mood I can be talking to a specific person,
the entire human population, or myself. I think the unwavering tone I
hold dearest to my…heart, is that I will be honest here. I may not
say everything on my mind but what I do say, will at the very least
make some sort of honest sense…to me, and for the most part I will
keep some sort of external audience in mind to keep any sort of
artistic or creative tangents at least slightly palatable to others.
If this entry had a tag it would be a meta-tag.

Hmm. I’m not too sure about this posting upon a read-thru…it is
revealing and pointless simultaneously. I guess that is a worthy
phenomenon to share with…you.

[I am doing my form of prayer and well wishes for a positive
resolution everyone is happy with]

I just noticed my last full posting here on october 31st…man that
was quite a while ago. So a lot has happened since then. I am not sure
how forthcoming I want to be about all the little gory details. I can
say that it has been an interesting ride. If I were to draw the path
of the ride it went up after Halloween, then further up around the
evening the election results were in, then gradually came crashing down.

I’ve had this health mantra for a while: If you feel like shit, do
SOMETHING that helps your basic needs (eat, drink water, sleep,
exercise, socialize). If you can’t do one of them do what you can. I
guess this could backfire for the overeaters out there.

So I have that knowledge yet…somehow I still felt pretty bad. I
don’t want to sound all cheery now that I’m feeling better, because
I’m actually not. I’m alright. But there are still a lot of external
stressors that I feel pretty powerless to. I have to wait. I put
things in motion, then wait for others to reply. In the mean time I
guess I’m learning how to leave looming things around and still find
out where the areas I can enjoy are.

So let’s see. Halloween Night: One person showed up to that drum
invite on the streets; one of the main drummers from the farmers
market circle. He’s the metronome. We played a while but I wanted to
wander around while playing and he seemed happy sitting in one place.
So that didn’t last more than 20 minutes or so. The trash orchestra
people were going through a break. The 2 friends that sort of
committed flaked for various reasons: one for getting swept away in
other things, the other for having a serious case of the runs.

So no one showing up was pretty sucky. I guess having motivation to do
something I normally don’t, doesn’t mean everyone I know will have
that same enthusiasm.
I made the best of it. I swam around the crowd, I played loud hard and
got out whatever impulsive sonic ideas i had. People danced, screamed,
rapped, joined in, etc. It was fun. Fuck friends. There is a world
around us full of people excited about what we are. All you have to do
is…it. And poof you’ll be surrounded by other like minds.
Spontaneously a few days later more cheering and mayhem erupted on
Pacific Avenue. But this time the excitement and release of tension
wasn’t a scheduled holiday but a building moment since long before all
of us existed. (Obama was elected)

That was nice. I’ve been to too many shows where I’m not all that into
the band. I see hardcore fans and feel their excitement but feel like
an impostor. Yeah I like them, but clearly not as much as the ones
drenching their shirts in sweat…..But that night somehow I was as
into it as everyone else. I could feel the roar of the crowd.
Everything I could do worked. Random noise, erupting to chants, to
solid simple beats, to whatever. I was on the same page as the crowd;
effortlessly.

That was a blast. No melancholy about no friends showing up. I saw a
few new friends there…….
that was fun…but short-lived.

That bright torch I loved to burn ran out of fuel. So where are these
friends? My new found lovers of crazy noisy good times? I guess they
will reappear when I reappear.

–

So I’m feeling better. Not on ‘top of my game’ but enough to fix this
blog and write these thoughts.
I think exercising 3 days straight is doin it. That was the one area
of my ‘basic needs’ I was neglecting.
I MUST run around more. Ok I’m gonna go.
I think I have thoroughly redeemed myself with this post.

(oh I don’t have any photos of those good times because my hands were
too busy making the good times. Feel free to email me any you have.)

Well I had a slight problem with this blogging platform. I tried to log in one day and couldn’t. I was still able to post via email but that isn’t quite as rewarding all the times I want to include and image, audio or whatever.

thanks for listening….

Today Friday 10/31/08 by LuLu’s Octagon on Cooper St between Pacific
Ave and Front St
At 7pm.

Bring your noise making devices and or your marching spirit.

Rain or shine.

I’ll be in mostly red.
Vincent

Hey So and So, I mean YOU,
Yes I’m writing you personally. I would like to invite you to
participate a random musical tromping through the downtown halloween
crowd of costumed people of all walks of life.

Unfortunately, I don’t have an arsenal of crazy friends I can
instantly assembly for some random fun like this. So I will look to
you, my beloved blog following as the portal to humans interested in
such random debauchery and good times.

What I picture is pretty simple…yet fun. excruciating fun in fact:
People in costume, masked or unmasked, people with instruments–loud
percussive ones primarily, then us piercing through the swarms of
costumed folks all dressed up with nowhere to go.

To me it is sort of a homage to a favorite chaos carousing crew from
SF, Extra Action (Marching Band). Granted this will not be the same as
Halloween Castro of the years yonder, but close enough….

If this sounds fun to you or anyone you know pass this on and/or let
me know so we can set up a time to meet n greet.
Or just bring your instruments to pacific around sundown on friday the
31st near the cinema 9…

This will be fun for children of all ages.
See you there
Vincent

(wanna come namal?)

So that little get-together at her favorite place to hike was really
nice. I hope to have some photos up soon at her site: http://suzannemcmillan.com

It’s hard to believe it was 2 years ago. So much has happened. I’m
going to enjoy my last couple days here in Sedona. Maybe I’ll hike
Thunder Mountain again.

I have to admit, this note is mostly due to not writ\ing since the end
of last month. More relevant stuff soon I hope.

Hmm. So I was ready to have my brand new B.S. degree in Computer Science be my ticket to boredom and a means to an end.

I was going to school. I enjoy programming, and learning all about these here computers most of us use more often than we’d like.

I began teaching myself around 1999 starting with audio editing software. Then moved on toward testing audio software professionally.
That is where I noticed all the possibilities of being on the other side of software: Making the tools.

Then I began teaching myself some basics in programming when I realized it would be really nice having an I.V. of CS knowledge injected into my brain, so I went back to school. I never thought I would. But after a few years of having a BA in Psychology under my belt and never using it officially (other than a notch in my resume), I went back to school in a completely different field (pretty much, that is).

I basically started over, less some general ed classes. My first two years were spent at Cabrillo College a local community college. After completing all of the required lower division CS courses and higher level math classes, I transferred to UC Santa Cruz.

Just as I was about to begin my final two years there my mother passed away in an unexpected auto collision. It was my first day of school that I found out. September 21st 2006. Which also happens to be the International Day of Peace.

I dropped school to be in her home town of Sedona, AZ to help with everything involved in dealing with a death. Strange how we all die at some point yet there isn’t some sort of educational infrastructure to aid in dealing with this stuff (funeral, probate, taxes, liabilities, and of course grieving).

I took that first quarter off of my transfer to the UC but after 2 months of grieving and dealing with everything I realized I needed to make sure to go back to school. There was so much to do with the estate matters, to where I could have been justified in continuing to manage things there but then what would my life have become?
She would definitely not want me or anyone to to put their life on hold indefinitely…

So I started up my schooling again a quarter later than expected.

[Insert school life here.....wheew. Study. Up all night. Tired. Keep pushing. Epiphanies, frustrations, accomplishment.]

Now cut to graduation.

5 quarters later (yes I was able to complete all the requirements in 1 and 2/3 years vs the allotted 2 year or 6 quarters. Not because I’m a super genius, altho I’d like to let you assume so, but mostly because I only had upper division CS classes and 2 higher level math classes to take). It was definitely challenging. Stacking 3 upper division sciences is pretty stressful, but here I am.

So what is the title of this entry all about?
Well I was ready to get a job in the city (SF bay area), but I was also ready to have that job be some boring, unfulfilling means to financial stability. With the only price being my time…and emotional well-being.

BUT then something amazing has happened. I found a job and working environment which gives the required/desired income AND I like what I am doing. I like who I work with. I like the direction things are going. And I like where I am.

So anytime someone says, you need to ask for what you want in order to get it.. Remember that even if you are resigned to accepting something you may not fully want, sometimes something else may stare you right in the face that exceeds your expectations.

I guess the trick is to notice and realize and not look beyond it; what appears in life may actually be better than what was planned or expected.
Maybe, just maybe you can have your cake, icing, and eat it too…and still have enough left over for a food fight.